He promises Deliverance.

A girl born of sin

A spirit made for temptation in its finest form

Satan’s beauty- a work of everywhere she’s been

She clings to, like a blanket’s warm

She bore witness time and time again

To her, God promised faithfulness

But Satan maintained his grip

At His feet she sat, worthless

She sits in the darkest corner

The voices tell her He lies, His promises untrue

Abba lies- the idea pours down upon her

She succumbs to hurt and more self- talk that’s been long overdue

But as she sits alone amongst the group, she becomes immersed in His grace

Every time He holds out His hand, she touches and then withdraws

Fear of the unknown staring her in the face

If she lets herself strip down her identity, she has to worry what everyone saw

The last person who saw the truth, the fire in her eyes

She pushed away, making another victim to the Enemy’s wrath

And when she was alone again, Satan’s power couldn’t die

Chasing after His heart was the last of her chosen paths

But He wraps His arms around her being

Rocks her in her dreams

Because in her dreams, the human world is more than what she is seeing

Satan’s dirty tricks reverse, and there is no picking teams

Awakening to a world of pure deliverance

Freedom from oppression and the pain that plagues her past

In His kingdom, she’s free to dance

Chains of bondage are Satan’s stronghold, ending fast

She takes claim over her heart, as she accepts forgiveness and joy

Temptation takes the backburner, as she closes out sin

She runs into his arms, as his child rather than the Enemy’s toy

When she foresees the darkness, she may just win.

Freedom from the Past.

I’ve been free for two years today. Two years free from abuse, from pain, from a lost childhood.  It’s been the most rewarding two years of my life.

Last night as I sat on the floor and listened to Alexis give the message at Fire Night, I was hit with this overwhelming sense of God speaking to me. Satan’s number one trick is to try and lock us in our past. But there can be no more.

We all face a past that has skeletons in the closet. Things that we do not speak of, whether it be addiction, criminal activity, self- hatred, or so on. For a while, we linger in those memories, dwell a little in their entity- we become what we have done. We are characterized by our actions and who we once were. Or so Satan has us believing.

I was a defenseless eleven year old girl who knew nothing more. What nobody chose to notice I took as being okay- with nobody to teach me the difference between good and bad touch, the two became one, and anything became fair game. And I became the passive participant in what claimed my childhood, or what were then becoming my teenage years.

What I did to myself was much worse than any one of those nights. Satan became my main comfort as he took over my being. I started to fill myself with hatred and disgust. The dirtiness I felt left me unaccepting of understanding and love. Satan beat me down so hard that what should have been merely mental became physical. I’d beat myself in the head until I hurt so badly that I would sleep it off, just to stop the thoughts. I’d cut to release the pain, which only led to more self- loathing.  I had no hope. I was just merely being because I thought that was what I was meant to do.

I was sixteen when my friend’s ended my battle for me. I became wound like a rubber band, near snapping. Numbness became my best friend and Satan sat on my shoulder and told me that everything I received over that year I deserved. He told me every week that I was meant to be alone and that I deserved to spend every holiday alone. He told me that I had to work for love and for acceptance. So I did. I did the dishes and cleaned the house and bowed down to everyone in hopes that they would love me for a second. I hoped that my mom would say that she loved me and that for more than two days a week she would chose me over my stepfather. It never did.

 My story is just a story. It is the past. And it does not dominate who I am now or who I am becoming in God. Because God thrives in making us new and restoring us. He holds victory over Satan every day of the week.

Today marks one of those monumental moments that each year I get to reflect on. I had the opportunity to share the woman I have become with one of my best friends who carried me through those six years today. And to know and be acknowledged for the transformation I have undergone is the greatest gift God has given me yet. I know I am walking in the right path.

We all have the capability to escape our pasts when we accept freedom. The scariest thing is stripping ourselves of our identities, because that is who we know ourselves as. The fear of being raw and being exposed and vulnerable outweighs the beauty of the outcome for so long. But the truth is that God covers us. He loves and never fails. When we are most vulnerable, He shelters us with His promises and faithfulness. He holds out His hands and offers us abundant life and love- freedom is at our fingertips. It is so real to the touch, and the best part is that He never withdraws that offer. It sits there waiting for us to jump in and take it as our possession.

Satan loves to know that we dwell in a past. It is his hold on us. He is the premise behind the chains of bondage, which only God has the power to free us of. It took me just short of two years to realize this. My mother saw God as her scapegoat and weapon against me. But what she did not see was that she was using His will for her own selfish wishes. If I forgave from the start, she did not have to face her own demons and she would have been reassured that God really does save and free. But I would have never known the truth as strongly as I do now.

And the truth is that God cuts all bondage. He wraps us in His arms and secures us with His everlasting love, even when we let ourselves succumb to Satan’s lies. Because those of us who believe- we find our way back to God’s arms where life is abundant and the past becomes Satan’s only friend.

Fire Night.

I am beginning to realize that only God knows who you truly are, and only those who truly believe in Him can know you without you having to say a word.

I had the chance to Skype my younger stepsister last night, which brought out the true revelation of the change that has occurred in me since leaving New York in August. As I rambled on, she interrupted, saying, “You aren’t the same Lindsay who I used to stay up late at night with talking about therapy and watching SVU.” She laughed at me when I talked about Jesus and different perspectives on the situations that I had once tried to control myself. I told her blatantly, “I don’t care if you think I am a freak. If you think that, then I know I must be doing something right.” She is just one of a few who have criticized me for changing. But somehow, I find it okay.

I find it okay because I have found myself in this place where people want to love me and know me deeper and more intimately than anyone ever has before. People who want to go beyond the mask, and do not feel the need to ask before they start chipping away at the layers of pain. People who hold you when you cry and love you when you can’t love yourself. People who are from the King.

Which brings me back to the dominant message of this blog. God places these people in our lives who know us, even when we think we are sneaking past, unseen. This past week at Fire Night my eyes were opened to this concept. I went, just like any other week, but could not face going inside the Bell Tower. I really wanted to join in worship, but found myself being unworthy and being afraid of someone seeing my pain. So I sat outside and listened, hoping to just be seen as an on looking student, and nothing else. But my friend Nicole came outside when she saw me sitting on the brick wall and asked me what was going on. I thought that I could tell her that I was simply looking for alone time with God and that she would say okay and go back inside to meet her own spiritual needs, but instead, she wrapped her arms around me and just hugged me until I let go. The night was only beginning.

I got up and went back to my room, with no intentions on going back that night. I was sick and tired, and to be quite honest, I was severely doubting God’s wanting of me. But as I put on warmer clothes I felt this need to just go back, even if for another minute. I now know it was God telling me that I would find what I needed that night inside the Bell Tower. So I put on shoes and walked back to the Bell Tower, entering in the middle of a prayer and sitting on the bottom of the staircase in the corner. I had two different people ask me if I was okay, and I lied to both of them and said yes, despite the fact that I knew I was sinking in doubt and hatred. But Nicole came over again and asked me if I would be willing to receive prayer. I was completely taken aback; I was always able to disappear into the background when I was at my lowest points.

Letting people put their hands on me is a huge feat of breaking down the boundaries of trust for me, especially when I cannot see who it is. Cole asked what I wanted prayer for and I just looked at Nicole as I lay my head on her shoulder and she told him what to prayer for. I closed my eyes as she wrapped her arm around me and Cole began to pray. As the prayer went on, I felt other people holding onto me, but with my eyes closed, I could not tell who they were. At any other point in my life, I would have broken down in fear of people touching me, but I had to learn to succumb to the trust of God. I felt Elsie put her hands on my back and stomach as Cole continued on and then take my hand. I was clinging to trust, giving up on hiding, and just looking for someone to understand.

I wanted so badly to just be overcome with the spirit and to feel whole, even if just for a minute in the presence of God, that I let Burke pray over me.  I fell back to the floor and just let myself be one with God. Lying on the floor in the Bell Tower, for the first time, I felt so at peace with myself and God, and I felt Him surrounding me. I knew trying to hide then was just a dumb idea, because the people that were surrounding me that night saw right through every layer of pain and every mask I put up.

I found myself holding onto Elsie, afraid of what she saw in me, and afraid of talking myself. She looked me in the eyes and asked me what was going on. My own shame had kept me from God for so long and it kept me from talking out my past and my feelings with anyone.  And it did the same thing with Elsie; it kept me from talking to her and just telling her I was hurting and that I just wanted love. However, I had already accepted God into my heart and He gave her that part of my heart without me asking Him to. His love for me conquered all fear that was in me. She knew what happened and she saw through the layers of pain that have kept me bound, as she wrapped me in her arms again and just held onto me. And around her, other people gathered, surrounding me with warm embraces and everlasting love. 

It leaves me questioning how someone could ever think that there is anything more powerful than God himself. He knows when we hurt and He hurts with us. He gives us strength, even when it isn’t within ourselves. He tells those around you what you need when you cannot find the words to speak for yourself. He is the most powerful of all beings and creators. How could we ever lose faith in this?

And when we do lose faith, because I cannot sit here and pretend that I never do, because I do often, He shows us His love for us in the wildest of ways and picks us back up into His arms. He never loses faith in us. And even when we fear ourselves and shame ourselves, He becomes our comfort and surrounds us with His never ending presence. He provides with no end in sight.

“... but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint. “ –Isaiah 40:31

Conquering Love.

His love conquers all.

It has been on my mind now all day, following a simple text last night. And as I stood in worship at a chapel tonight with friends, the lyrics appeared on the screen "You are good, You are good, And Your love endures." It was like it was being drilled into my head; there was no running, no hiding, and no denying.

The truth is that human love only goes so far. We hurt people that we claim to love. We lose people who claim to love us in return. We love to an end that is visible. But I'm being hit with the realization that God's love sees no end; it is infinite, and it is greater than any love we can ever know here on earth.

I am just as guilty as the next person when it comes to loving to deeply and neglecting God for a more humanly form of love. Late at night when I am scared, or when I feel alone in this battle, I search for my friends. I look for a hug, or just everyday interactions. I look for an "I love you." God is not the first turn I take to; partly for fear of His love not being enough, but more than that, for fear of losing myself in Him. If I do not let Him love me, I can still keep running.

Running led me to a wall that I am pretty sure I hit face first this past week. I had cut off all interaction with God, did not let myself listen to Him as I had the first few weeks here. Every time He tried to love me when I needed, I shoved Him out. Earlier in the week, a friend told me that sometimes we need to let others love us to a point where we can learn to love ourselves. In spite of hearing her, I pretended to not, and when those who I know He placed in my life to love on me like I cannot love on myself tried to care and tried to push past my defenses, I shoved them out. I became cold to the touch this past week. Every "I love you" I shrugged off, and every "You're beautiful" I heard, I told myself they were lying.

I found myself on Friday reflecting on God and how I had neglected His love all week. And a walk in the rain where I vented all my frustrations on a friend gave me the humbleness (if that is even a word? it is now) to apologize to those I had been cold to all week. And He wasted no time in amazing me yet again. Part of His enduring love is in the people He places in our lives. I was met with nothing but pure genuineness and simmering love.

Jeremiah 31:3 says "...I have loved you with an everlasting love; I have drawn you with loving-kindness." I think this week speaks for itself. He never ceased to stop loving, never stopped showing me kindness, even when I was shutting down on myself.

There was a time in my life when had I been cold to anyone, they would have walked off and not allowed me back in again. Before faith and before I believed in something greater, I would have told myself that I deserved the lack of love, for if I could not be open enough to accept their kindness, I was not worthy of such devotion. But it is the furthest thing from true. God wants us all to work together as a family, something very new to me. I’ve been drawn to these verses lately about those who walk in Christ and how they are those who sacrifice for others who surround them. John 15:13 says it perfectly. “Greater love has no one than this that he lay down his life for his friends.” We are supposed to give all we have for one another, especially those we love, for with His love, we can conquer too. We can endure hardship, pain, disaster, and still be.

So this week and in those upcoming, I strive to live in His everlasting love. I strive to be less humanistic and dwell within the beauty of His love for us all, as I fight to not push those who I love, and those He has given me to love me, out of my life.  For in His love, there is hope and a faith greater than we can ever know, just to match His love.

A New Home and New Hope.

I prayed for the first time today. And for the first time, I truly feel blessed in this exact moment in time. Today, God can do no wrong and today, God is someone that I want to find.

I’ve worked my whole life to get to this place; sanctity of safety and peace, where everyone is surrounded by love and support any and every time they shall need it. I’m still very much a work in progress and I may never hit perfection, but for today, I know that God has listened. For one hand on my shoulder and having kept me on my feet for one more day in this process, He opened his doors and listened to me. I think I like the idea of Him.

When I first left home, this journey seemed so exciting, and it truly has been. But it is also this blessing and a gift from God to be exactly where I am at present. A conversation I had with a friend revealed to me that I am no different from those who truly believe in God’s handiwork. I merely use different words to describe what happens. I always looked at where I ended up as a coincidence- being in a place where someone could relate to me and guide me along this journey when I left everything 15 hours away from what I now call home. However, maybe it is just a little piece of God’s love for me and desire for me to become new. It is His reassurance for me and his gift to put me in this place. So today, I thank Him.

Everyone here is so faithful and so beautiful in their own ways. Part of moving away has been finding my place in this world, and in the bigger picture. Finding the beauty that He has put inside of me and using it for some sort of productivity is my goal in this place. In Jeremiah 29:11, it is obvious that God has set out a plan for each of us in our lifetime, one not of harm but of prosperity and hope, and it is just that. Tonight, I thanked Him for all that He has done and I asked Him to lead me in the proper direction, away from the harm and hurt I have seen.  I know He heard me and that my wish will be fulfilled as I grow stronger in my faith and belief in Him.

Each day I sit here, surrounded by such strong and loving individuals, and I can’t help but strive to be like them. Children of God, they surround me and give me hope that one day, I too, will be in His everlasting acceptance once again. I ask Him to pray for those who have hurt me and those who I love, and I ask that I be forgiven for running and for letting the materialistic things in life swallow my pride and take me so far away.

The truth is that this is only the start. Every day I wake up and there is a fresh start and it is mine to make. In New York it was this constant struggle to move forward and to live a life of true happiness, which was blind sighted by unforgiving nature and my own lack of acknowledgement. But I can truly wake every morning and thank God that I have been granted another opportunity; to love, to laugh, to smile… to be myself for all that I am and loved for just that.

The feeling of God being everywhere on this campus is amazing in itself. Everything seems new, graceful, and so beautiful and I know that there must be something wonderful in store. Looking from outside to in, I see the hurt, but now I can embrace hope for He wants me to know that I was put here for a reason and that I shall trade hurt for beauty and find myself in this journey.

So on we will go… becoming Belmont seems wonderful and lovely. And to the people here, thank you for being solid rocks to lean on already <3

Love and Selflessness.

People suffer. God suffered. The patient dying of a terminal illness suffered. The cat who was hit by the car suffered. I suffered... but in suffering, I found a sense of beauty and a renewed sense of joy. I found acceptance and I found unconditional love. 

Bobby and DJ suffered. And in them I found my own healing.

I've never written their story or my life with them... the night time tickling sessions, the bath time splash sessions, the Easter egg hunts, or the early morning breakfast talks.

Last year, just over 13 months ago, I lost my life with them. And since then, I have not been the same. Some people go to Africa or to a city slum to find children in need of love- I went to be bedroom every night they were here. But since then, I have come to a lonely bed, wishing God would have let me have my boys back.

But I guess He puts people in our lives for a reason.

I met Bobby and DJ when I was just about 12. Bobby was 4 and DJ was 6... sickly, dirty, but loving little boys with the faces of angels. They grew on me quickly, living with their old father who was not well himself, after their mother had abandoned them two years prior. Those early ears were a blur. I remember Christmases and putting Bobby into his bug pajamas and DJ into camouflage. I remember saying goodnight and going to my bed alone. And I thought I was lucky that I did not have to deal with two young children, but my sister, who had dated their uncle and was my sole connection to these boys, left soon after to start her own life, and her boys soon became mine. 

I learned quickly what unconditional love really was. They would beg for me to let them sleep in my bedroom, even as they hit 8 and 10 and up. I reluctantly agreed, telling Bobby to take the beanbag chair and DJ to lay next to the bed. I'd come back in an hour later to find Bobby asleep holding 4 different cat toys at the bottom of the bed and DJ asleep at the top. I used to watch them sleep for several minutes, little faces that only seemed peaceful while asleep. And then my mind would rush to where I was going to sleep, tired and frustrated. And each night, I'd squeeze in and DJ would open his eyes, giggle and say "I told him to stay on the chair," even though he knew he wasn't supposed to be on the bed either. I'd tell him to go to sleep and wake up hours later with two unmedicated kids jumping on my back. The love I very soon realized I felt for them was the most powerful of which I have ever felt for anyone. I learned to thank God for every day he gave me them and every time their dad got sick, that he was still alive.

Today, I would give anything to have them pouncing on me, just to have another day with them.

God works in mysterious ways. The day he welcomed their daddy home to heaven, I can not imagine why he did. But like everyone, Don had suffered. And his way out was to be with his creator, after over 6 years of pain and suffering. 

But he in his own right was so much like God, especially to his sons. My family was the home of every holiday- Christmases were filled with numerous and over full Christmas trees, Easters with egg hunts and circuses, Halloweens with homemade costumes... and Don gave us his boys each of those holidays to give them the best childhood he could provide in his state. The only thing he asked was for a plate of food when they were returned home. 

I've pondered how someone could give so much of themselves for someone else. I've also wondered how someone could hurt someone so badly. I've wrestled the interaction between God and the devil, and I still have no answers. The only things I learned through my years with Bobby and DJ were that I loved them so unconditionally, as did their dad, that Don gave those boys all he could, and that their mother could not give them what they needed at the time, but forgiveness must be found in this process.

I've talked with DJ a few times since his mother took him and Bobby last summer when their dad died. He's grown so much, in so many ways, and I wish I had gotten to see him grow into the young man that he has become. And when I talk to Bobby, I still find that innocent 6 year old boy that climbed into bed in his bug pajamas with a handful of cat toys. He played a recording of him on the violin last time I talked to him and asked when he came home to see me, if we could collect bugs. He's still my little boy...

I feel the need to talk to God more and more lately. I feel the need to ask him to keep my boys safe and to ensure that DJ gets to be a child again. And I feel the need to ask him to bring them back to me in the end. I know God is always listening, as he listened to Don say when he knew he had suffered enough. Maybe if I had just gotten closer to the man that established the values that I have, I would feel more settled and more okay with what has happened since. But all I can do is ask God to understand...




Lightening bugs make me remember the light that there was in my life with those boys. At their dad's funeral, I ran around outside catching lightening bugs in water bottles with them. And when Bobby said "Lindsay will you carry me?" I lifted his ten year old body up, as he wrapped his legs around me waist and we  went about catching the bugs. His innocence amazes me through it all. It makes me hold onto my faith in God and the knowledge that he truly does listen.  That same boy had walked into the funeral parlor a few hours earlier with his brother and wrapped himself so tightly around my waist, and yet when all was said and done, he wanted to go about life as we always had.... catch some bugs and give me a kiss as I put him into his mother's car, knowing that I would not see him again.


DJ called the next morning and cried on the phone as he begged to go to the beach with us, that he wanted to go with us. He had told his mother the night before after the wake that he wanted to live with us. My heart broke for the innocent little boy who had just lost every piece of his world. Everyday I ask God if her taking those boys was a way of letting go of the past and restoring their lives... I hear he never works to harm, but I still wonder what role he has played in DJ and Bobby's recovery and restoration, for if there is one thing they deserve, it is that.


I miss late night cuddling and the innocence of pictures that remain with me. God, just listen, and keep my boys well, and take them home, wherever they find it to be safe.
And lead me to forgiveness.