Freedom from the Past.

I’ve been free for two years today. Two years free from abuse, from pain, from a lost childhood.  It’s been the most rewarding two years of my life.

Last night as I sat on the floor and listened to Alexis give the message at Fire Night, I was hit with this overwhelming sense of God speaking to me. Satan’s number one trick is to try and lock us in our past. But there can be no more.

We all face a past that has skeletons in the closet. Things that we do not speak of, whether it be addiction, criminal activity, self- hatred, or so on. For a while, we linger in those memories, dwell a little in their entity- we become what we have done. We are characterized by our actions and who we once were. Or so Satan has us believing.

I was a defenseless eleven year old girl who knew nothing more. What nobody chose to notice I took as being okay- with nobody to teach me the difference between good and bad touch, the two became one, and anything became fair game. And I became the passive participant in what claimed my childhood, or what were then becoming my teenage years.

What I did to myself was much worse than any one of those nights. Satan became my main comfort as he took over my being. I started to fill myself with hatred and disgust. The dirtiness I felt left me unaccepting of understanding and love. Satan beat me down so hard that what should have been merely mental became physical. I’d beat myself in the head until I hurt so badly that I would sleep it off, just to stop the thoughts. I’d cut to release the pain, which only led to more self- loathing.  I had no hope. I was just merely being because I thought that was what I was meant to do.

I was sixteen when my friend’s ended my battle for me. I became wound like a rubber band, near snapping. Numbness became my best friend and Satan sat on my shoulder and told me that everything I received over that year I deserved. He told me every week that I was meant to be alone and that I deserved to spend every holiday alone. He told me that I had to work for love and for acceptance. So I did. I did the dishes and cleaned the house and bowed down to everyone in hopes that they would love me for a second. I hoped that my mom would say that she loved me and that for more than two days a week she would chose me over my stepfather. It never did.

 My story is just a story. It is the past. And it does not dominate who I am now or who I am becoming in God. Because God thrives in making us new and restoring us. He holds victory over Satan every day of the week.

Today marks one of those monumental moments that each year I get to reflect on. I had the opportunity to share the woman I have become with one of my best friends who carried me through those six years today. And to know and be acknowledged for the transformation I have undergone is the greatest gift God has given me yet. I know I am walking in the right path.

We all have the capability to escape our pasts when we accept freedom. The scariest thing is stripping ourselves of our identities, because that is who we know ourselves as. The fear of being raw and being exposed and vulnerable outweighs the beauty of the outcome for so long. But the truth is that God covers us. He loves and never fails. When we are most vulnerable, He shelters us with His promises and faithfulness. He holds out His hands and offers us abundant life and love- freedom is at our fingertips. It is so real to the touch, and the best part is that He never withdraws that offer. It sits there waiting for us to jump in and take it as our possession.

Satan loves to know that we dwell in a past. It is his hold on us. He is the premise behind the chains of bondage, which only God has the power to free us of. It took me just short of two years to realize this. My mother saw God as her scapegoat and weapon against me. But what she did not see was that she was using His will for her own selfish wishes. If I forgave from the start, she did not have to face her own demons and she would have been reassured that God really does save and free. But I would have never known the truth as strongly as I do now.

And the truth is that God cuts all bondage. He wraps us in His arms and secures us with His everlasting love, even when we let ourselves succumb to Satan’s lies. Because those of us who believe- we find our way back to God’s arms where life is abundant and the past becomes Satan’s only friend.

Fire Night.

I am beginning to realize that only God knows who you truly are, and only those who truly believe in Him can know you without you having to say a word.

I had the chance to Skype my younger stepsister last night, which brought out the true revelation of the change that has occurred in me since leaving New York in August. As I rambled on, she interrupted, saying, “You aren’t the same Lindsay who I used to stay up late at night with talking about therapy and watching SVU.” She laughed at me when I talked about Jesus and different perspectives on the situations that I had once tried to control myself. I told her blatantly, “I don’t care if you think I am a freak. If you think that, then I know I must be doing something right.” She is just one of a few who have criticized me for changing. But somehow, I find it okay.

I find it okay because I have found myself in this place where people want to love me and know me deeper and more intimately than anyone ever has before. People who want to go beyond the mask, and do not feel the need to ask before they start chipping away at the layers of pain. People who hold you when you cry and love you when you can’t love yourself. People who are from the King.

Which brings me back to the dominant message of this blog. God places these people in our lives who know us, even when we think we are sneaking past, unseen. This past week at Fire Night my eyes were opened to this concept. I went, just like any other week, but could not face going inside the Bell Tower. I really wanted to join in worship, but found myself being unworthy and being afraid of someone seeing my pain. So I sat outside and listened, hoping to just be seen as an on looking student, and nothing else. But my friend Nicole came outside when she saw me sitting on the brick wall and asked me what was going on. I thought that I could tell her that I was simply looking for alone time with God and that she would say okay and go back inside to meet her own spiritual needs, but instead, she wrapped her arms around me and just hugged me until I let go. The night was only beginning.

I got up and went back to my room, with no intentions on going back that night. I was sick and tired, and to be quite honest, I was severely doubting God’s wanting of me. But as I put on warmer clothes I felt this need to just go back, even if for another minute. I now know it was God telling me that I would find what I needed that night inside the Bell Tower. So I put on shoes and walked back to the Bell Tower, entering in the middle of a prayer and sitting on the bottom of the staircase in the corner. I had two different people ask me if I was okay, and I lied to both of them and said yes, despite the fact that I knew I was sinking in doubt and hatred. But Nicole came over again and asked me if I would be willing to receive prayer. I was completely taken aback; I was always able to disappear into the background when I was at my lowest points.

Letting people put their hands on me is a huge feat of breaking down the boundaries of trust for me, especially when I cannot see who it is. Cole asked what I wanted prayer for and I just looked at Nicole as I lay my head on her shoulder and she told him what to prayer for. I closed my eyes as she wrapped her arm around me and Cole began to pray. As the prayer went on, I felt other people holding onto me, but with my eyes closed, I could not tell who they were. At any other point in my life, I would have broken down in fear of people touching me, but I had to learn to succumb to the trust of God. I felt Elsie put her hands on my back and stomach as Cole continued on and then take my hand. I was clinging to trust, giving up on hiding, and just looking for someone to understand.

I wanted so badly to just be overcome with the spirit and to feel whole, even if just for a minute in the presence of God, that I let Burke pray over me.  I fell back to the floor and just let myself be one with God. Lying on the floor in the Bell Tower, for the first time, I felt so at peace with myself and God, and I felt Him surrounding me. I knew trying to hide then was just a dumb idea, because the people that were surrounding me that night saw right through every layer of pain and every mask I put up.

I found myself holding onto Elsie, afraid of what she saw in me, and afraid of talking myself. She looked me in the eyes and asked me what was going on. My own shame had kept me from God for so long and it kept me from talking out my past and my feelings with anyone.  And it did the same thing with Elsie; it kept me from talking to her and just telling her I was hurting and that I just wanted love. However, I had already accepted God into my heart and He gave her that part of my heart without me asking Him to. His love for me conquered all fear that was in me. She knew what happened and she saw through the layers of pain that have kept me bound, as she wrapped me in her arms again and just held onto me. And around her, other people gathered, surrounding me with warm embraces and everlasting love. 

It leaves me questioning how someone could ever think that there is anything more powerful than God himself. He knows when we hurt and He hurts with us. He gives us strength, even when it isn’t within ourselves. He tells those around you what you need when you cannot find the words to speak for yourself. He is the most powerful of all beings and creators. How could we ever lose faith in this?

And when we do lose faith, because I cannot sit here and pretend that I never do, because I do often, He shows us His love for us in the wildest of ways and picks us back up into His arms. He never loses faith in us. And even when we fear ourselves and shame ourselves, He becomes our comfort and surrounds us with His never ending presence. He provides with no end in sight.

“... but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint. “ –Isaiah 40:31