Four years ago today, I fell in love with Jesus.
Falling in love started when my RA sent me off to a prayer and worship night at a student's apartment with a group of girls I didn't know. Everything inside of my eager-to-please body should have questioned where I was going and why, but I didn't because I saw potential friendships, which I craved so strongly. As the night carried on and I squeamishly backed into a corner in the kitchen away from all the "real" action, I remember saying "God if you are real, prove it." And just like that, He spoke to me.
Now I wish I could say that it was a love at first sight, or in this case, love at first word, type of love story. But it was far from that- my scars ran too deep and I surely was not about to just sell myself out for something, or someone, intangible. Anyone who knows me well enough, knows I ran as fast and as hard as I could.
But alas, love waits. And this love; the love that casts out fear, knows no bounds, is covered in grace and mercy, and ultimately never fails; this love captured the deepest part of my heart that night. Four years in, I am still learning the depths of what this truly looks like.
***
This season has been by far one of the most heart wrenching and overwhelming I've yet to endure. I've spent the majority of my time running hard into this world, rebuilding walls I had long been free of, and banging my fists against walls that simply barricaded me from empty air. But four years to the day God first spoke to my heart, I'm humbly brought back to the foot of the cross, where Jesus has met me in my deepest pain. He's drawn me in and reminded me of what real, tangible love has, and will always look like.
Flashes of images overwhelm my mind as I'm gently reminded:::
Love looks like brothers and sisters going to war for your freedom. It looks like prayer without ceasing. Promises being poured out, day and night. It looks like sacrificing a dream for the heart of a child. Gaining another soul for the Kingdom of Heaven. It looks like "I love you" texts on random nights. Heart filled conversations, where tears are shed and laughter fills the air. It's a shoulder to cry on. Love looks like children climbing your back as you enter a barrio in a third world country. Welcoming a stranger into your home, even if that home is merely shambles of sheets and water basins. It looks like staring into the face of death and declaring that the war has already been won. Love looks like sitting in a hospital room with someone you fell in love with. It looks like enduring heartbreak. Love looks like friends sitting in silence with you at 1am when you've hit bottom. It looks like community. It is friends who hold you up when all you want to do is lay down. Love looks like professors who pray over you and rally alongside you for the promise of a future. It looks like pure, unfiltered grace when you don't deserve it.
Love looks like and is the core of who Jesus is.
***
As I sit here, I'm choosing to position myself in awe of a God who felt me worthy enough to bring me from the vast shadow of death and into the hope of eternal life. But I can't help but wonder what life would be if I didn't know Jesus. Have you ever stopped to think, "Man, what if His grace never found me? What if I stayed on that path of utter destruction?" To be honest, I don't know that I would still be alive. That in itself is a soccer punch of sorts, to remember the pain and to realize that even in the driest day when the greatest battles are raging, death has lost its hold. Although we may lose the battle, our God has already won the war.
Now, I don't know about you, but if there is one thing I can say without doubt, it is that I'm more grateful on this warm Tuesday night than I've ever been, to know that the creator of the universe has called me wholly His.
Now, I don't know about you, but if there is one thing I can say without doubt, it is that I'm more grateful on this warm Tuesday night than I've ever been, to know that the creator of the universe has called me wholly His.
