Freedom from the Past.

I’ve been free for two years today. Two years free from abuse, from pain, from a lost childhood.  It’s been the most rewarding two years of my life.

Last night as I sat on the floor and listened to Alexis give the message at Fire Night, I was hit with this overwhelming sense of God speaking to me. Satan’s number one trick is to try and lock us in our past. But there can be no more.

We all face a past that has skeletons in the closet. Things that we do not speak of, whether it be addiction, criminal activity, self- hatred, or so on. For a while, we linger in those memories, dwell a little in their entity- we become what we have done. We are characterized by our actions and who we once were. Or so Satan has us believing.

I was a defenseless eleven year old girl who knew nothing more. What nobody chose to notice I took as being okay- with nobody to teach me the difference between good and bad touch, the two became one, and anything became fair game. And I became the passive participant in what claimed my childhood, or what were then becoming my teenage years.

What I did to myself was much worse than any one of those nights. Satan became my main comfort as he took over my being. I started to fill myself with hatred and disgust. The dirtiness I felt left me unaccepting of understanding and love. Satan beat me down so hard that what should have been merely mental became physical. I’d beat myself in the head until I hurt so badly that I would sleep it off, just to stop the thoughts. I’d cut to release the pain, which only led to more self- loathing.  I had no hope. I was just merely being because I thought that was what I was meant to do.

I was sixteen when my friend’s ended my battle for me. I became wound like a rubber band, near snapping. Numbness became my best friend and Satan sat on my shoulder and told me that everything I received over that year I deserved. He told me every week that I was meant to be alone and that I deserved to spend every holiday alone. He told me that I had to work for love and for acceptance. So I did. I did the dishes and cleaned the house and bowed down to everyone in hopes that they would love me for a second. I hoped that my mom would say that she loved me and that for more than two days a week she would chose me over my stepfather. It never did.

 My story is just a story. It is the past. And it does not dominate who I am now or who I am becoming in God. Because God thrives in making us new and restoring us. He holds victory over Satan every day of the week.

Today marks one of those monumental moments that each year I get to reflect on. I had the opportunity to share the woman I have become with one of my best friends who carried me through those six years today. And to know and be acknowledged for the transformation I have undergone is the greatest gift God has given me yet. I know I am walking in the right path.

We all have the capability to escape our pasts when we accept freedom. The scariest thing is stripping ourselves of our identities, because that is who we know ourselves as. The fear of being raw and being exposed and vulnerable outweighs the beauty of the outcome for so long. But the truth is that God covers us. He loves and never fails. When we are most vulnerable, He shelters us with His promises and faithfulness. He holds out His hands and offers us abundant life and love- freedom is at our fingertips. It is so real to the touch, and the best part is that He never withdraws that offer. It sits there waiting for us to jump in and take it as our possession.

Satan loves to know that we dwell in a past. It is his hold on us. He is the premise behind the chains of bondage, which only God has the power to free us of. It took me just short of two years to realize this. My mother saw God as her scapegoat and weapon against me. But what she did not see was that she was using His will for her own selfish wishes. If I forgave from the start, she did not have to face her own demons and she would have been reassured that God really does save and free. But I would have never known the truth as strongly as I do now.

And the truth is that God cuts all bondage. He wraps us in His arms and secures us with His everlasting love, even when we let ourselves succumb to Satan’s lies. Because those of us who believe- we find our way back to God’s arms where life is abundant and the past becomes Satan’s only friend.