People suffer. God suffered. The patient dying of a terminal illness suffered. The cat who was hit by the car suffered. I suffered... but in suffering, I found a sense of beauty and a renewed sense of joy. I found acceptance and I found unconditional love.
Bobby and DJ suffered. And in them I found my own healing.
I've never written their story or my life with them... the night time tickling sessions, the bath time splash sessions, the Easter egg hunts, or the early morning breakfast talks.
Last year, just over 13 months ago, I lost my life with them. And since then, I have not been the same. Some people go to Africa or to a city slum to find children in need of love- I went to be bedroom every night they were here. But since then, I have come to a lonely bed, wishing God would have let me have my boys back.
But I guess He puts people in our lives for a reason.
I met Bobby and DJ when I was just about 12. Bobby was 4 and DJ was 6... sickly, dirty, but loving little boys with the faces of angels. They grew on me quickly, living with their old father who was not well himself, after their mother had abandoned them two years prior. Those early ears were a blur. I remember Christmases and putting Bobby into his bug pajamas and DJ into camouflage. I remember saying goodnight and going to my bed alone. And I thought I was lucky that I did not have to deal with two young children, but my sister, who had dated their uncle and was my sole connection to these boys, left soon after to start her own life, and her boys soon became mine.
I learned quickly what unconditional love really was. They would beg for me to let them sleep in my bedroom, even as they hit 8 and 10 and up. I reluctantly agreed, telling Bobby to take the beanbag chair and DJ to lay next to the bed. I'd come back in an hour later to find Bobby asleep holding 4 different cat toys at the bottom of the bed and DJ asleep at the top. I used to watch them sleep for several minutes, little faces that only seemed peaceful while asleep. And then my mind would rush to where I was going to sleep, tired and frustrated. And each night, I'd squeeze in and DJ would open his eyes, giggle and say "I told him to stay on the chair," even though he knew he wasn't supposed to be on the bed either. I'd tell him to go to sleep and wake up hours later with two unmedicated kids jumping on my back. The love I very soon realized I felt for them was the most powerful of which I have ever felt for anyone. I learned to thank God for every day he gave me them and every time their dad got sick, that he was still alive.
Today, I would give anything to have them pouncing on me, just to have another day with them.
God works in mysterious ways. The day he welcomed their daddy home to heaven, I can not imagine why he did. But like everyone, Don had suffered. And his way out was to be with his creator, after over 6 years of pain and suffering.
But he in his own right was so much like God, especially to his sons. My family was the home of every holiday- Christmases were filled with numerous and over full Christmas trees, Easters with egg hunts and circuses, Halloweens with homemade costumes... and Don gave us his boys each of those holidays to give them the best childhood he could provide in his state. The only thing he asked was for a plate of food when they were returned home.
I've pondered how someone could give so much of themselves for someone else. I've also wondered how someone could hurt someone so badly. I've wrestled the interaction between God and the devil, and I still have no answers. The only things I learned through my years with Bobby and DJ were that I loved them so unconditionally, as did their dad, that Don gave those boys all he could, and that their mother could not give them what they needed at the time, but forgiveness must be found in this process.
I've talked with DJ a few times since his mother took him and Bobby last summer when their dad died. He's grown so much, in so many ways, and I wish I had gotten to see him grow into the young man that he has become. And when I talk to Bobby, I still find that innocent 6 year old boy that climbed into bed in his bug pajamas with a handful of cat toys. He played a recording of him on the violin last time I talked to him and asked when he came home to see me, if we could collect bugs. He's still my little boy...
I feel the need to talk to God more and more lately. I feel the need to ask him to keep my boys safe and to ensure that DJ gets to be a child again. And I feel the need to ask him to bring them back to me in the end. I know God is always listening, as he listened to Don say when he knew he had suffered enough. Maybe if I had just gotten closer to the man that established the values that I have, I would feel more settled and more okay with what has happened since. But all I can do is ask God to understand...
Lightening bugs make me remember the light that there was in my life with those boys. At their dad's funeral, I ran around outside catching lightening bugs in water bottles with them. And when Bobby said "Lindsay will you carry me?" I lifted his ten year old body up, as he wrapped his legs around me waist and we went about catching the bugs. His innocence amazes me through it all. It makes me hold onto my faith in God and the knowledge that he truly does listen. That same boy had walked into the funeral parlor a few hours earlier with his brother and wrapped himself so tightly around my waist, and yet when all was said and done, he wanted to go about life as we always had.... catch some bugs and give me a kiss as I put him into his mother's car, knowing that I would not see him again.
DJ called the next morning and cried on the phone as he begged to go to the beach with us, that he wanted to go with us. He had told his mother the night before after the wake that he wanted to live with us. My heart broke for the innocent little boy who had just lost every piece of his world. Everyday I ask God if her taking those boys was a way of letting go of the past and restoring their lives... I hear he never works to harm, but I still wonder what role he has played in DJ and Bobby's recovery and restoration, for if there is one thing they deserve, it is that.
I miss late night cuddling and the innocence of pictures that remain with me. God, just listen, and keep my boys well, and take them home, wherever they find it to be safe.
And lead me to forgiveness.
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