From the Lips of a Faithful Father to an Unfaithful Servant.

There's a white veil amidst seas of green grass and trees. Wide open land. He's standing at the furthest edge, just barely insight; hand outstretched. I'm not moving, just staring. Everything turns black.

It's been one of the toughest seasons I've ever walked through. For the past two years I've waivered, knowing the goodness of God, yet falling short of the glory of God, time and time again. But I never fell away- I was always hanging by a thread; by a glimpse of hope.

But something inside of me  broke in these past few weeks, and the thread severed. I lost myself.

You see, I lost love. I let myself drift and give into temptation after temptation, and love became conditional. And more often than that, it became hate. Hatred towards a community I've settled in, and that has loved me unconditionally. Hatred towards family that cannot think rationally. Hatred towards my own brokenness that I was stubbornly hanging on to. I began to dwell in this hatred, and every ounce of love that the Father has instilled in me was gone. I don't know if I could have fallen any lower.

For the first time I really questioned if God really existed; and if He did, how could He allow my life to fall to pieces that I couldn't seem to pick up? I ignored the truth that I have known and that has kept me hanging on for so long. My head spinning with truth:

"I've already written this story, Lindsay. Just live it. You're stronger than this. Don't abandon love. I'm still here. I've gone before and I'll be here long after. Don't succumb to the promises of this world. I have already overcome."

And still I chose the lies that told me this situation is hopeless and that death will conquer. Lies. I gave the enemy room in my head and he was quick to move in.

***

I hit rock bottom about a week ago. Talking was out of the question; I had spent so much time learning to filter my emotions, that I didn't know if these feelings were "acceptable." I began to realize that I was reverting to walls around my heart because for so long I had people telling me, "Those feelings wont fix anything. That won't do any good."

The fact is that I spent so much of my life not being real. But when I gave my life to God, I tore down those walls and masks I hid behind for so long. Guys, real people have real emotions. We can chose to ignore them, or we can confess them with one another and lay them down. One leads to harboring resentment and bitterness. The other leads to freedom and peace.

So I made my choice. I found myself driving in the car with a close friend, who after letting me vent for a period of time took hold of my wildly beating heart. "You were the one who encouraged me when I was ready to give up. You were the one telling me that God still loved me. I love you. And I need you." Love pierced through the darkness. Was I really ready to abandon my faith, and the promises He has spoken to my heart? Or am I ready to lay down my life, and pick up my cross, trusting Him to lead me down a path He's already walked down Himself? Am I ready to leave my heart and all of the mess it is fully in His hands?

***

 

I'm not sure why my heart was so led to this post. It's messier than most anything I've written. But I think there's someone out there who need to know that He is worth laying down for. He takes our messy hearts everyday, even when we play tug-a-war. While we get so caught up in life, we forget to realize that He has already written our story. He knows our hearts. Sees the mess. Restores the brokenness.

And more than anything; He is faithful, even when we are not.