We're all standing knee deep this summer in the things that break us.
God has really been taking me through this season of revelation on the depths of His love, His desire to care for the damaged parts of our hearts. We've all been separated and torn apart, some of us for good and some for just a short time span, but He's breaking us to have complete reliance on Him and His great power and love. Or so He's been telling me.
When I first left Nashville a few weeks ago, I thought it was so awesome to see where everyone was going- some doing mission work in third world countries, ministry work in other states and countries, some just going home to work and pass by time, and others set to stay in Nashville. What was awesome, was also bittersweet. And as I've spoken to different people, I realized, it was also all in God's plan to develop a greater and stronger army. But in order for Him to build us up, there were parts of us that needed to be torn down; damaged parts of our hearts that need mending.
"My flesh and my heart faileth: but God is the strength of my heart, and my portion for ever." -Psalm 73:26
Some of us have found ourselves face to face with battles of the flesh, our mind acting against our heart, and winning the battle. We have acted out of sheer impulse- kissing that boy didn't seem so wrong in the heat of the moment, according to the flesh. But the real issue lies in a lack of self worth and mistrust of men. Telling yourself that God is your strength, because He is, and letting Him fight for you cancels out flesh and its reign you let it have in your life. He wants to go further and care for your heart, prove to you that you are worthy in His eyes:the only ones that matter, teach you to trust in Him when you cannot trust in man.
Others are finding themselves face to face with isolation and loneliness. We all know that we are never alone when we allow God to be with us, but believing it is another situation. Because we thrive in a residential community all year, living side by side with other believers and partners in conquering for the Kingdom, we forget that sometimes God is our only answer. And all of a sudden we find ourselves hundreds upon hundreds of miles away from one another for 3+ months. It breaks us. Because the enemy's favorite time to speak to us is when we are alone. He wants to get us at our weakest, but as it says so many times "Behold for I am with you." God knows it is hard, that the world is a tough place, and when we face it with no community, we are going to fail. But take heart. He is going to pick up the pieces of the trail we leave as we fall apart, and mend them back together, sewing Himself into the seams- more stitching and stronger thread. He wants to be the foundation of our being- nothing of this world sticking itself into the seams. Purely Jesus. Purely made.
And He's saying "I want you as you are. Broken so I can fix you. Imperfect so I can fill you with my perfection. In darkness so I can show you the light. Come to me, and let me see the damaged parts of your heart. Let me hold you and touch those places. Just Me and you." So often we hide when we are struggling. But in a deep relationship, you wouldn't hide, but share and conquer together. He is the ultimate form of relationship, who knows our struggles without us saying a word, waiting for us to say yes, and let Him mend us with His love and compassion.
I've learned over the past few weeks just how great the power of His love and His mere presence is on day to day life. Sitting in the place that kept me captive from joy and abundant life for so many years, I want to be angry and bitter. I want to be worldly, because it marks itself as being so desirable and so fulfilling. I stray from His presence and linger in the damaged parts of my heart that I've began to rebuild walls around. I live lukewarm because it's easier than letting Him have all my problems and all my pent up emotions, and it's easier than having to confront the hardness that I'm coming up against in people who think walking in faith is crazy or absurd. But no matter how much I stray, He remains constant. He waits for me, desires me, believes in me.
They played "Hosanna" last weekend at church. And as I sat, baby in my lap, something inside me turned. "Break my heart for what breaks yours. Everything I am for Your Kingdom's cause..." Memories flooded before my eyes, things that had been said repeated in the back of my mind. I wanted to be angry, be of this world and repay for the damages done to my heart. But the Kingdom is at hand. I want to break for what breaks His heart. I see the brokenness in angry people, feel compassion for the heartless, desire to love the unlovable. Only when I cling to Him. If only we let Him have our hearts, and our hearts completely- damaged and all.... would you?
Take heart in knowing that He is your strength, even when the season seems dim and the enemy's lies are floating in front of your face. And that as we break, we are not alone, but clothed in the promises and everlasting presence of God. It's a season of breaking and mending, sharpening and trusting- He's building an army strong as iron.
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